Inspiration, Quotes, Productivity and More

199 Of The Funniest Quotes Ever

Are you looking for funny quotes to bring some laughter to you or to your surroundings? Go through our funny quotes from Mark Twain to Al Gore which definitely will make you laugh but as well may spak some thoughts in you.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.

Erica Jong

The day I made that statement, about inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

Al Gore

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

Alexander Woollcott

Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.

Alfred Hitchcock

My mother was against me being an actress – until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

Angie Dickinson

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Benjamin Franklin

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Bertrand Russell

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.

Bette Davis

I’d luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

Bette Davis

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.

Bill Cosby

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Bill Cosby

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Bill Cosby

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughan

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Bob Hope

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields

As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Buddy Hackett

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

Calvin Coolidge

I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

Carl Sandburg

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?

Carrie Snow

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Casey Stengel

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

Cathy Guisewite

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.

Charles M. Schulz

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

Chevy Chase

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Chris Rock

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

Claude Pepper

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.

Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Dave Barry

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

David Lee Roth

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

David Letterman

I rant, therefore I am.

Dennis Miller

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.

Dennis Miller

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

Desmond Morris

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

Dilbert

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Don Marquis

Be obscure clearly.

E. B. White

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Elayne Boosler

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.

Elayne Boosler

A woman is like a tea bag – you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

Eleanor Roosevelt

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Ellen DeGeneres

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

Ellen DeGeneres

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Emo Philips

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.

Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Fran Lebowitz

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Frank Lloyd Wright

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

Frank Sinatra

California is a fine place to live – if you happen to be an orange.

Fred Allen

I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.

Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Fred Allen

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.

Friedrich Nietzsche

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

George Bernard Shaw

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

George Bernard Shaw

But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.

George Bernard Shaw

Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.

George Bernard Shaw

By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.

George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

George Burns

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

George Burns

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

George Carlin

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.

George Orwell

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Groucho Marx

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

H. L. Mencken

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

H. L. Mencken

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

Hedy Lamarr

One man’s folly is another man’s wife.

Helen Rowland

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

Henry A. Kissinger

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Henry A. Kissinger

All men are equal before fish.

Herbert Hoover

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.

Hesiod

I’m undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.

Hillary Clinton

English – Who needs that? I’m never going to England!

Homer Simpson

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

Howard Nemerov

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Imelda Marcos

I’m kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

James Brown

Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.

Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

Jay Leno

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights.

Jay London

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

Jay London

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

Jay London

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.

Jean Rostand

Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

Jerry Lewis

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.

Joan Rivers

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Joe E. Lewis

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Joe E. Lewis

That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

Joe Rogan

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

Johnny Vegas

There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.

Josh Billings

There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

Kevin James

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

Kevin Nealon

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Lana Turner

If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.

Laurence J. Peter

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Laurence J. Peter

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Lenny Bruce

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Les Dawson

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

Lewis Mumford

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Lily Tomlin

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

Lily Tomlin

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

Mae West

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.

Mae West

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

Mae West

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

Mae West

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

Margaret Smith

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Marilyn vos Savant

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

Mark Twain

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Mark Twain

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain

Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Mark Twain

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks

I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.

Mercedes McCambridge

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Mike Myers

Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.

Milton Berle

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

Natalie Wood

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.

Norman Wisdom

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.

Oscar Levant

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.

Oscar Wilde

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

P. J. O’Rourke

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

P. J. O’Rourke

Never fight an inanimate object.

P. J. O’Rourke

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

Paul Lynde

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

Paul Lynde

I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.

Paula Poundstone

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Rita Rudner

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Robert Benchley

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Robert Benchley

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

Robert Frost

Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Robert Orben

Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Robert Orben

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Rod Schmidt

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Rodney Dangerfield

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.

Ronald Knox

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

Ronald Reagan

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

Ronald Reagan

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

Rudyard Kipling

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Saint Augustine

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.

Sam Goldwyn

Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland – rich and thick.

Samuel Beckett

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

Samuel Butler

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.

Samuel Goldwyn

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

Socrates

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Spike Milligan

I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

Stephen Fry

I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

Stephen King

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

I like marriage. The idea.

Toni Morrison

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

Tracey Ullman

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

Victor Hugo

I don’t mind what Congress does, as long as they don’t do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

Victor Hugo

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

Voltaire

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

W.C. Fields

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Walt Disney

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

Warren Buffett

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

Will Rogers

I’m not a real movie star. I’ve still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Will Rogers

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Will Rogers

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

Winston Churchill

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.

Woody Allen

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said ‘no’.

Woody Allen

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Woody Allen

Don’t think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

Woody Allen

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Woody Allen

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

Yogi Berra

I never said most of the things I said.

Yogi Berra

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

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